In the office is appears everyone is looking to lose weight. Most likely New Year Resolutions which will either be broken or kept, we will see. Today one of my colleagues brought in some scales. Having not stepped on any since Summer last year I thought why not?
I knew I had put on weight. Trousers, dresses and jumpers had become in the past three months tighter and more prone to ride up or feel uncomfortable. I guessed at half a stone approximately.
As I stepped on those scales and measured myself, the little digital dials of death counting up, the blood drained from my face. I was over ten stone, ten stone six to be exact. I am five ft two, quickly calculating in my head this now made me overweight if you believe the BMI counters. My colleague witnessed a minor meltdown in the seconds that proceeded this monumental revelation. For the first time in my life I had surpassed ten stone. Growing up in my mid-teens I was horrified if I crept over nine stone let along be ten stone six. My colleagues lovingly said to me I don't look overweight and I am still very petite but still, this confirmed all of my worst nightmares. The horrible thoughts in my brain which had been going round and round in my head for the past three months as I saw the weight creep on. I am fat.
These past posts about weight issues show what my mind is really thinking. Bollocks. How did I let this happen? I don't eat unwell, cook everything from scratch. So maybe I drink one too many glasses of wine and don't exercise but surely that can't be it?
So upon my arrival home, in the worlds worst mood, I went for a run and then set to reading everything I could about healthy diets, gym memberships and slimming world deals. Then it hit me, there are so many magical potions, pills and programs to enable the average person lose weight how was I supposed to select the right one for me? All of these people preaching they have the right answers. Well who is right?
This multimillion pound industry making women like me who ordinarily couldn't give a shit doubt themselves beyond all measure. My confidence has slipped over the past year admittedly but self-loathing, no, this is recent. This has happened in the last three months as I realised that I was gaining weight and that "perfect" body image was slowly slipping away. People are judged on their appearance, male and female. How could I sit idly by whilst my image was being ripped to shreds by strangers in the street. But it all doesn't matter does it?
Yes, I do need to ensure that I get back under the ten stone mark, potentially back to the nine stone ball park figure. But this shouldn't be done because society dictates this of me. This should be done because I want to be healthy. Because a healthy body usually equals a healthy mind. I want to do it so I don't have to deal with as many risks to illnesses in my future life. So that I can be around for as long as possible seeing the world which I love so very much.
Tomorrow undoubtedly I will continue to surf the internet trying to establish what is the golden goose of all health programs. But I will battle the thoughts of self-loathing. I have to because otherwise society and those companies that make a fortune telling us we are not good enough will win.
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